Here's one called "Beaten Silly"
"I want to cry. Please make me cry."
I took my place bent over the bench. I could feel every muscle in my body tense up. I wasn't afraid of the pain. I wanted the pain.
I yearned to take the pain I was feeling inside and feel it on the outside... maybe then I could watch it fade away over time.
Wooden Paddle.
Cane.
Another cane.
The implements continued..
I just sat there and tried to feel the pain. I couldn't really feel it. I was stoic. I had no words... not even a whimper.
About thirty minutes into the session I was asked, "can you feel that? Your pain threshold is so high."
I could kind of.. but not compared to the pain lodged inside me.
I barely felt it to the point I asked if I would have any marks.
Momentarily after that, the pain from the beatings began to build some. I got excited.
*This is it. I will finally get the release I need! Oh I can feel that!*
*I think I might just cry! I think.. I think..*
I began to laugh. I laughed so hard it ached. I laughed with tears swelling in my eyes. The tears rolled down my face and I asked, "please don't stop"
The beatings continued and my laughter did too.
I didn't know why I was laughing but my body did.
I was beat silly.
I never called "red" but we decided to stop.
I have built up such a wall inside of myself emotionally that I've trained myself to be stoic in the face of pain. I am writing this piece to hopefully look back in reflection and see growth.
Hopefully :)
I want to learn to allow myself to cope with pain, process it, and let it go whether it's mental or physical.
I don't have to be tough all time. It's ok to let myself be vulnerable.
Pain is a good thing if you deal with it in a healthy manner and don't bury it inside. It's also ok when your pain doesn't present itself the way you think it will just as long as you stay open to the cries or the laughter and anything in between."
